Notes

I saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and I could do anything I wanted

Laissez-faire

0

It’s been a while since I was in Scotland for something other than Christmas. Over time it becomes a character in your head rather than a place you call home. From the Angus glens, which shine as brightly as a yellowhammer to the beautiful arches of Old Edinburgh. I take my luggage with me, but I still can’t let go.

I began thinking how I could live in a grand Edwardian flat close to The Meadows. Avoid the bagpipes and walking tours, and live undetected with a metropolitan glare. Scotland is a complex, frustrating and deeply beautiful place. I have my reservations, but maybe here I can construct a narrative that someone can believe in.

Back in London, where I’ve lived for nine years, days become weeks, weeks become months and you tally up the slow, incremental inches of progress. But it takes so fucking long doesn’t it? Why does it have to take so long?

For every moment I’ve endlessly replayed in mind to the point of fixation. Like you’re on the cusp of something brilliantly promising and then it just disappears. Its the beauty and rhythm of her mind that I miss the most. How it just took off like a swift in the summer wind. For she’s a far cry from this artificial paradise – a home to everyone and none at all.

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